Scene Etiquette

(Some of) What New People Need to Know About Kink

Leadership, Negotiation, Personal Responsibility in Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK), Processing & Aftercare, Scene Etiquette, WIITWD

Yesterday, I read an account of a scene gone wrong.  It occurred at an event geared towards new people at a large regional venue.  Negotiations happened.  After that it went down hill.  Reading that (and the 150+ comments following the post) prompted me to mentally run through my Newbie Night information.  I thought it might be useful to write it out and post a bit of an outline for others.  I usually add in personal experiences to add a bit of humor, but in case others want to use this, I’ve left it pretty straightforward.

Note:  This is a discussion and information session that occurs monthly immediately prior to our Newbie Night + Kinksploratorium event.  This portion of the evening usually lasts around 45 minutes and is then followed by about an hour and a half of exploration at stations that are staffed by vetted and experienced individuals.  People are invited to try things as a bottom or receive guidance (either hands-on or not depending on the station) as a top.  

 

Welcome and Introduction

Hi.  My name is BeautyfulFreak.  I am the Education Director here at the BSPC.  I’ve been actively involved in the BDSM and polyamory lifestyle for five years both here and in Baltimore, Maryland.  If you have any questions tonight or in the future, please let me or another staff member or volunteer know.  You can contact me on FetLife or email me at bellinghamspc@gmail.com.  I personally check that email account and am happy to answer any questions or concerns that may come up.  I’m going to go over a few things this evening before we open the stations.  I won’t go in-depth due to time, but  we want to give everyone this basic information so that we can continue to create a space that is safe and welcoming.

Venue Rules and Policies

Our rules and policies are available for you to read in the reception area, the bathroom, the social area, and around the play space.  They are also online at thebspc.org.  You all signed the form indicating that you read and understood all of the policies, but there are a few I want to highlight and explain a bit more.

  • Consent Policy:  We have a strong policy regarding consent in this space.  No means no and silence means no.  If you tell someone “no” regarding touching, playing, or even having a conversation, you do not owe them any explanation as to why that is your response.  Please also keep in mind that consent given once is not ongoing consent.  If you are not sure if you have permission to touch a person or their property, please err on the side of caution and ask.
  • Diversity & Tolerance Policy:  We welcome people of different genders, orientations, play styles, relationship choices, races, religions, abilities, and body types.  We all have different preferences and that is okay.  However, please keep any derogatory or disparaging remarks to yourself.  We are all part of a group that is marginalized because of our lifestyle(s) and the BSPC is working to create a space where we can all feel welcome and safe.
  • Privacy & Confidentiality:  We take our members’ privacy very seriously.  We understand that many of our members prefer to keep their involvement with the BSPC or the kink community private due to other aspects of their lives (work, family, social circles, etc.).  We ask that you all respect the privacy of one another.  Outside of our events, and especially in public contexts or written forums, please do not name names, email addresses, or give any other specifics that might identify someone that you saw here. At our events, it is advised that you not share personal information, real names, occupations or other specifics that might put another person in a compromised position in their daily lives.

General Scene Etiquette

Another thing you’ll find posted in the registration area, online, and throughout the space is the BSPC’s Guidelines for Appropriate Conduct.  We strongly encourage all of you to become familiar with them.  In addition to being our guidelines, they are guidelines for general scene etiquette (or how to act in a dungeon space).  The expectations for behavior in dungeons is a bit different from expected behavior in vanilla (or non-kinky) settings and is often quite different from behavior in other sex-positive venues, such as swingers’ clubs.  I won’t read through all of the items, but I do want to highlight a few things.

  • No cell phone use is allowed behind the curtains.  This is for the privacy of our members.  We know you all have lives going on outside of the center and we welcome you to put your phone on silent and keep it on your person, but if you need to make or take a phone call, send a text, or get online please go to the front.
  • Body fluids and emissions must be properly cleaned up, and equipment must be re-sanitized after use. Cleaning agents, paper towels, etc., are all readily available (I point out where they are in our space), and you are welcome to ask a Staff member for assistance if you need assistance.  I would also encourage you to practice doubling-down on cleaning equipment.  No one can ensure that piece of equipment has been cleaned to your specifications of cleanliness but you.  I’d encourage all of you to clean the equipment both before and after you use it.
  • Whenever you are unclothed, a towel or other barrier should be between you and any furniture you may be sitting on.  There are towels, sheets, blankets, and other linens in the black cabinet and all of the shelves are labeled.  There are also disposable chucks on the shelf with the other safety supplies.  Please put any used linens into the laundry basket when you are done with them.
  • If you wish to join a scene in progress, you must have prior permission from the participants. Do not interrupt a scene to ask to play, or for any other reason.  If you have concerns about the safety of a scene in progress, please notify the DM on shift who is wearing and orange, reflective armband.  Do not attempt to intervene yourself unless there is imminent threat of death, life-threatening injury, or major structural damage.
  • Some scenes may obviously be scenes in progress.  It may be less apparent with certain types of play.  If you’re not sure if play is happening, please err on the side of caution.  A few examples of things that may not look like scenes in progress are aftercare, self-suspension or other forms of solo play, and scenes that involve multiple people.  We have most of the play equipment set up on area rugs or mats.  If someone is one equipment, a rug, or a mat, they are likely involved in play.
  • We encourage you to politely watch what other attendees are doing, but always give the participants plenty of space so you don’t interfere with or disrupt their scene.
  • Please check yourself before going outside.  We ask that you be dressed in street appropriate clothing (not just street legal) and act in street appropriate ways.  We want to be respectful of our neighbors.
  • What is the house safeword?  (At least 75% of people respond with “Red”.).  If you are in a scene and you need it to stop, for whatever reason and whether you are the top or the bottom, the house safeword is “Red”.  If a participant calls the house safeword and play does not immediately stop, the DM or other staff with intervene.
  • Please speak to a DM before engaging in edge play activities.  These are things that have a higher risk of injury or damage.  Some forms of edge play are fire play, knife play, blood play, suspension, electrical play, breath play, and the use of gags.  Talking to the DM ahead of time will give them a heads-up about what is going to happen.  It will also give them a chance to help you make sure you’re set up in the best possible location and have all of the necessary supplies needed.  If you will be using a gag, please know that our DM will ask what your arranged safe signal is since the person wearing the gag will not be able to safeword.
  • Please let a Staff Member know if:
    • You have been touched in a non-consensual way;
    • You have been “outed” by another member;
    • You are being harassed or approached repeatedly after saying “No”;
    • You believe that someone at the event is intoxicated or impaired;
    • You discover a broken piece of furniture or equipment;
    • You feel that a member or guest at an event is in violation of our House Rules.

Are there any questions about any of that?  I know that it is a lot to process and if you have questions in the future, please let us know.  Now that we have the rules and things covered, let’s talk for a little bit about negotiating for play and what you might expect as you start experiencing kink.

 

Overview of Negotiation

Before you play with someone, we encourage you to negotiate with them about what you both want to experience and any things you specifically don’t want to experience (your hard and/or soft limits).  Please be as honest as possible during negotiations so that the person you are planning to play with is able to give their informed consent, even if that means saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” or “I need to think about it”.  Here are a few things to think about and talk about when you’re negotiating:

Physical Safety

  • Skin allergies
  • Other allergies
  • Asthma
  • Heart conditions
  • Joint pain
  • Taking medications
  • When you last ate
  • Alcohol or drugs (including caffeine)
  • Past surgeries
  • Epilepsy
  • Pain tolerance

Sexual Safety

If you are negotiating to include any sexual acts in your play, you should consider/discuss

  • Defining what “sex” or “penetration” mean to you.  Use very clear language and make sure you are both on the same page regarding what is and is not okay.
  • When you were last tested, what you were tested for, and what your status was.
  • Any risky sexual things you’ve done since you were last tested.
  • What your current relationship status is, your sexual orientation, and any relationship agreements you have that they need to know about.
  • What your safer sex practices are.
  • One or two things you like sexually.
  • One or two things you don’t like sexually.
  • Whether you’ve had any STDs in the last 6 months.
  • If you have allergies, especially to latex.
  • If you are on a form of birth control.

Emotional Safety

Aftercare

Include aftercare needs in your negotiation.  Decide who needs what, who will receive their aftercare first, where aftercare will take place, if there is a designated “aftercare buddy” for one or more of the participants (this is common if people have very different aftercare needs), etc.  Make sure that any aftercare items are nearby the place where aftercare will occur.  Some common aftercare needs are water, something sugary, a blanket, comfy clothes, and cuddles.  If you’re not sure what you’ll need after a scene, it is okay to say so.

Check-In/Debrief

I’d also personally recommend that you negotiate for a check-in or debrief a day or two after you play with someone, especially if it is someone you don’t see frequently.  This can give you a chance to talk about what you both enjoyed, what you might do differently next time, and ask questions.

If you have any questions about how to negotiate or need some help, let me know or ask one of the volunteers or staff.

 

A Few Other Things to Be Aware Of Before Playing

We’re just about ready to open the stations so you can experience some fun things.  I’m going to keep you for just a few more minutes because there are a couple of topics I want to make sure you’re all aware of before you play.  These are things that are extremely common, but that a lot of new people don’t know about before they get started.  I don’t want them to sneak up on you.  I’m going to keep it brief, because I know we’re all excited to start exploring.  If you want more information about any of these topics, talk to me later and I can send you some links.

  • Personal Responsibility:  Educators community leaders, event organizers, venue hosts, veteran players, and mentors can provide as much education as possible.  They can create environments that promote consent and safety.  But…only you can be responsible for the choices you make.  In the end, only you can make choices that are right for you.  We are happy to provide support and guidance and an added level of safety that you wouldn’t get meeting someone from Craigslist at a hotel room.  But. We are not mind readers, we don’t know what you have negotiated, we don’t know what your hard limits are, we don’t know what your levels of acceptable risk are.
  • Frenzy:  Frenzy is a period of overwhelming excitement that many new people experience when they discover the world of BDSM. While in a state of frenzy, many people exhibit uncharacteristically wild and unsafe behavior in an attempt to experience as many BDSM activities as possible as quickly as possible.  This consuming desire to do it all right now becomes the sole focus and other considerations and concerns (such as physical limitations, emotional limitations, negotiations, bottom/top space, aftercare, drop, choice of partner, ability to safeword, risk awareness and informed consent) are neglected.  Please be mindful that this occurs so that if you do experience frenzy, you can recognize it.
  • Subspace/Topspace:  Some people experience subspace (or less frequently reported topspace).  “It is not easy to characterize, because each person’s reactions to BDSM play can be quite different — and even a single person’s reactions to play can vary from scene to scene.  Intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a response of the sympathetic nervous system, which causes a release of epinephrine from the adrenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins.  These natural chemicals are a part of the body’s primal “fight or flight” response. They produce the same effects as a morphine-like drug. This dump of morphine-like chemicals into one’s bloodstream into increases the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense — and also induces a euphoric, ecstatic floating feeling.  Subjectively, subspace is like getting drunk or getting high on drugs. You forget the pain, your problems, all your cares seem to drift away and be obliterated while you’re in this state. Some submissives, upon reaching a height of subspace, may lose all sensations of pain, or become incoherent, making safewords useless. However, it is also a state of mind that impairs rational thought and decision making skills. It’s a state that needs to be monitored carefully for the mental and physical safety and well being of all the parties involved. While it is important to take this into consideration during play, it is  especially important to remember this as a scene is winding down and is stopped. If a submissive goes far enough into subspace, they could injure themselves without knowing it, or continue to ask for play that could injure them without their knowledge. If the Top whom they’re playing with doesn’t understand the dangers of subspace, it can be even more dangerous for the sub.” (From BDSM 101: Subspace, Aftercare, and Sub-drop (and sometimes Top-drop))
  • Safewords:  We encourage you to think about the use of safewords.  There are those of us who do not play using safewords because we have negotiated to communicate with each other using plain language.  If I need a scene to stop, unless it is a dire emergency, I’m more likely to say, “I need to stop now,” that I am to call “Red”.  That said, the house safeword is Red and we encourage people to use it if they need to for whatever reason they feel they need to.  I also want to give you a word of caution about knowing the safeword vs. being able to use the safeword.  There are those of us (and I’m one of them) who have a hard time using a safeword or ending a scene.  There are different reasons why it can be hard.  There may be a D/s dynamic and the person in the submissive role might struggle with saying “no” or calling “red” within that dynamic.  There may be a fear of upsetting the other person or being seen as “not capable” or being rejected for future play.  It may be that someone enters subspace and becomes non-communicative.  I really, strongly encourage all of you (whether you are a top, bottom, or switch) to think about this.
  • Drop:  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a new person on FetLife a day or two after their first party say something to the effect of, “I’m really weepy today and have no idea why.” or “I feel really depressed all of the sudden for no reason.”  It happens to tops and bottoms alike, but it doesn’t happen to everyone and it doesn’t happen the same for those that do experience it.  When you don’t even know it might be coming, you can’t prepare for it and it can be scary.  It’s all of the endorphins and adrenaline that creating that floaty, blissed-out feeling during or immediately after the scene leaving your body.  You may or may not experience drop, but please be aware that it is possible so that if you do experience it you can recognize it.  This is another great reason to schedule a check-in or debrief a day or two after playing.
  • Pick Up Play & Vetting:  We encourage people to vet their play partners.  Vetting is a process of intelligence gathering or doing a background check on someone.  Synonyms for “vetting” include “cross-check”, “QA”, “review”, and “survey”.  In the context of BDSM, it is asking for references, checking those references, and making an informed decision.  Talk to other people about the person you’re interested in playing with, especially for pick-up play.  If you want more resources on vetting partners, let me know.  I know some of you are thinking:  “Wait, I’m new!!  I don’t have any references!!!”  Be honest.  Tell the person you’re negotiating with that you’re brand new and you don’t have any references, but that you’d love to have them as a reference.  Telling someone you’re brand new is an entirely different type of reference, but just as valuable!
  • Risk Awareness & Informed Consent:  If you don’t fully know or understand what you’re agreeing to, you cannot give informed consent.  Ask questions, know yourself and your own acceptable levels of risk, do research.  It’s okay to go slowly.  It helps you (and the people you play with) have the best possible experience and the least amount of regrets.

The End!

If you made it this far,
you now know (Some of) What New People Need to Know About Kink!

 

Scene Interruptions (And, Yes, Aftercare IS Part of the Scene)

Being Mindful, Negotiation, Processing & Aftercare, Scene Etiquette, WIITWD

A situation came up recently and locally in which someone’s aftercare was interrupted and the entire community (including the people directly involved) took it as a teachable moment.  Kudos to you guys, you’re awesome.

That said, it happens and it happens more frequently than it should.  The recent situation caused me to reflect on the scene interruptions that I’ve dealt with over the past few years.  I realized that most of the scene interruptions I’ve experienced occurred during aftercare.

If you know me, you know that I don’t usually require much aftercare.  If it was a rope scene, I coil the ropes and get dressed and pop right back up again.  If it was impact, I usually get dressed and pop right back up again.  I very rarely require much in the way of aftercare.  But the aftercare I do need is incredibly important to the completion of my scenes.

I very rarely play with others and I almost never play hard enough with others to require an aftercare intervention.  Daddy knows me well enough and can read me well enough to know at the end of a scene if I’m needing more than my usual bottle of water and chocolate and a pat on the head.  He can tell if I’m having a shock response or if I’m too spaced out to be safe on my own.  In those cases, it’s not necessarily negotiated aftercare…it’s an absolutely required intervention for my safety.

I think that there are too many people who do not understand that aftercare is a) a part of the scene b) a time when the bottom can perform service to the Top if requested during negotiations c) needed/wanted time to process and return to a headspace that is both safe and comfortable d) occasionally an absolute necessity to protect the physical safety of one or more of the players e) a time to fully enjoy (either together, with an appointed person, or alone) the energy and chemical changes that occurred during the scene f) a time of intense vulnerability.  I could probably go on and list out enough things to use the entire alphabet, but I won’t.  Really, I just think people need to be aware that aftercare isn’t just cuddling.  It’s intentional, it’s negotiated, it’s necessary, and it should be respected as much (or more) than the main body of the scene.