But Why???–Discipline

Domestic discipline is “the practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of the household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic; the necessary measure to create a healthy home environmental and the necessary measures to protect all members of the family from dangerous or detrimental outcomes by punishing the contributing, and thus unwanted, behaviors for the greater good of the family.”

Domestic discipline is often associated with Christian Domestic Discipline.  However, within that construct, the male is the Head of Household based on Biblical teaching and the wife/female is the submissive partner.  Research into Christian Domestic Discipline has shown that the female partners often feel afraid and/or trapped which brings the ability to give legitimate consent into question.

Within the arena of BDSM and power exchange relationships, discipline can be a negotiated consequence that is agreed upon by both partners and consented to either for a single instance or for the term of a contract between the partners.  Just as there can be negotiated hard limits for play, there can be negotiated hard limits for punishment or discipline.

While physical discipline can be a useful tool for some, positive reinforcement has been shown to have greater and more lasting results in behavior modification training.  Motivation, supporting successes, authentic praise, and acts of appreciation can often increase wanted/acceptable behaviors to a much greater degree and with more consistency than discipline, punishment, or other negative reinforcements (or positive punishments like spanking) can minimize unwanted/unacceptable behaviors.

If discipline is to be used in a consensual and negotiated manner, determining the type of discipline that will be effective can be challenging.  For some submissives, pain is not a punishment.  Masochistic submissives who have agreed to or asked for punishment in order to modify behaviors may not feel that a spanking or flogging is, in fact, a punishment.

For many submissives, not just masochists, emotional discipline is far more effective.  The idea of silent treatment, loss of date or play time, removal of a collar for a short period of time, writing an apology to their dominant partner, or being relieved of their duties for a short period can be incredibly impactful.  The most intense punishment I have heard of was a submissive who had to write her dominant’s name on the bottom of her foot and “step on his name” until it wore off.  For many, just the thought of this would be a punishment.

If punishment is to be used, it should be implemented as soon after a transgression as possible and it should be explicitly stated that the action being taken is a punishment for the given offense, why the behavior being punished is unacceptable, and that the punishment is being carried out with the growth of the submissive and the benefit of the relationship in mind.  The submissive should then restate what they have been told to ensure that they have heard and understand why they are being punished.  Punishment or discipline should not be delivered from a place of anger, hurt, or other strong negative emotion.

 

Spotters: What They Are & When They Can Be Helpful to Have Around

Spotters are, in my experience and opinion, severely underutilized in the community at large.  They can be incredibly helpful to have around during several types of scenes to keep things running smoothly and to make sure things go as planned/negotiated.

What is a spotter, exactly?

A spotter is a person who has been asked to participate in a scene as a focused observer.  Depending on the type of scene and the reason they’ve been asked to be a spotter, they may be monitoring the scene in progress or they may be monitoring the surrounding to keep the scene from being interrupted.  They’re in on the negotiations between the active participants of the scene.  They know what hard limits were set and what the expectations are for the scene.  Preferably, they are a neutral party that has little or no bias towards one participant or another.

When are spotters good to have around?

If one or more participants will be in an altered head space to the point that they are no longer able to self-advocate, use a safe word or signal, are unable to inform the other party if there is a problem or emergency, and/or unable to revoke consent.  If you know that you go into super deep subspace, if you are using mind-altering substances as part of your negotiated play (this generally isn’t allowed in public play spaces, by the way), if you’re using hypnosis, you might want to consider a spotter.

If you’re playing with someone new that you don’t know very well a spotter can be helpful.

If you’re doing fire play, a spotter with a wet towel and fire extinguisher is helpful.  I’ve never seen a spotter for fire play have to get involved, but it’s a really good idea to have them on hand.

If you’re self-suspending, a spotter with safety sheers or other means to get you down if you have a problem can be helpful.  They can also help keep people from interrupting because, too often, self-suspensions are not seen as a scene by people unfamiliar with what’s happening.

If you’re doing something super intense that may bring the DMs over or cause significant concern to others, you may want to have a spotter on hand who can reassure them that the scene is going according to negotiations.

If you’re throwing a long whip, you might want to have a spotter to make sure no one inadvertently walks through the back swing.

If you know yourself to have difficulty using a safeword.  There are people who find using a safeword extremely difficult.  If that’s you (or the person you’re playing with), a spotter can be helpful.

If you’re doing knife play in a less-than ideal spot where people may bump into the scene a spotter can make sure no one knocks your elbow while you have a knife to someone’s throat.

If it’s a scene involving many people, spotters can make sure that others don’t think it’s a free-for-all and join in uninvited.

If one or more participants will be blindfolded, gagged, and restrained spotters can make sure that the scene follows negotiated boundaries.

I’m sure that there are more times when spotters can be helpful, but these are the ones that came to mind this morning and the ones that most commonly come up in our space.

Side Note:  When an event organizer or DM encourages you to get a spotter, they’re not judging your kink.  They are trying to ensure the safety of the scene and the space.  They are making sure that as many people as possible are able to have a good time.  They are suggesting something that, while you may think it unnecessary, they have seen a need for in the past.  I, as an organizer and DM, recommend spotters pretty frequently for many types of play.  WIITWD is NOT SAFE, but it can be done as safely as possible.  If someone recommends a spotter, they want you to be able to enjoy your kink and have fun as safely as possible.

Second Side Note:  You don’t need a DM or organizer to suggest a spotter!  You can negotiate for one.  If you’re negotiating any of the above things or something else that you want a special CYOA person around for, for whatever reason, simply say, “I’d really like to have a spotter for this scene.  It would make me feel more comfortable and I think we’d both be able to enjoy Kinky Activity X if we didn’t have to worry about Possible Risk Z.