But Why???–Discipline

Domestic discipline is “the practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of the household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic; the necessary measure to create a healthy home environmental and the necessary measures to protect all members of the family from dangerous or detrimental outcomes by punishing the contributing, and thus unwanted, behaviors for the greater good of the family.”

Domestic discipline is often associated with Christian Domestic Discipline.  However, within that construct, the male is the Head of Household based on Biblical teaching and the wife/female is the submissive partner.  Research into Christian Domestic Discipline has shown that the female partners often feel afraid and/or trapped which brings the ability to give legitimate consent into question.

Within the arena of BDSM and power exchange relationships, discipline can be a negotiated consequence that is agreed upon by both partners and consented to either for a single instance or for the term of a contract between the partners.  Just as there can be negotiated hard limits for play, there can be negotiated hard limits for punishment or discipline.

While physical discipline can be a useful tool for some, positive reinforcement has been shown to have greater and more lasting results in behavior modification training.  Motivation, supporting successes, authentic praise, and acts of appreciation can often increase wanted/acceptable behaviors to a much greater degree and with more consistency than discipline, punishment, or other negative reinforcements (or positive punishments like spanking) can minimize unwanted/unacceptable behaviors.

If discipline is to be used in a consensual and negotiated manner, determining the type of discipline that will be effective can be challenging.  For some submissives, pain is not a punishment.  Masochistic submissives who have agreed to or asked for punishment in order to modify behaviors may not feel that a spanking or flogging is, in fact, a punishment.

For many submissives, not just masochists, emotional discipline is far more effective.  The idea of silent treatment, loss of date or play time, removal of a collar for a short period of time, writing an apology to their dominant partner, or being relieved of their duties for a short period can be incredibly impactful.  The most intense punishment I have heard of was a submissive who had to write her dominant’s name on the bottom of her foot and “step on his name” until it wore off.  For many, just the thought of this would be a punishment.

If punishment is to be used, it should be implemented as soon after a transgression as possible and it should be explicitly stated that the action being taken is a punishment for the given offense, why the behavior being punished is unacceptable, and that the punishment is being carried out with the growth of the submissive and the benefit of the relationship in mind.  The submissive should then restate what they have been told to ensure that they have heard and understand why they are being punished.  Punishment or discipline should not be delivered from a place of anger, hurt, or other strong negative emotion.

 

People Are People, No Matter…A Reflection on Gender, Power, and Perspective

Perspective really is an amazing thing.  We have a 10,000 foot volcano 40 miles from our house.  And we can’t see it from anywhere in our yard.  If we go further away, it’s there.  But only on a clear day.  In the winter, we can go weeks without seeing this behemoth.  One of my favorite hikes is at the foot of the mountain.  And I can’t see the mountain from there.  I can only see the trees that immediately surround me.  And, of course, I can only see the mountain if I’m facing it and opening myself to the possibility that it’s there.  I’ll never see it if my back is turned, even if I’m standing at the best vantage point in the world.

Now, what has Mt. Baker got to teach me about interacting with others?

I’ve been in a few situations in the last few weeks where I really needed to take someone else’s perspective.  I couldn’t understand why the person had done what they’d done or said what they’d said.  And then I let go of “what I would do” and put myself in their shoes.  I could understand them much better.  I might not have liked what I could see from their perspective or their potential reasons for their actions, but I could understand.  Being able to take someone else’s perspective can make it easier to empathize, easier to be more compassionate, and, often, easier to let it go.  Their behavior is no longer as personal to us because we are more easily able to see the big picture, the scope beyond our interaction.

Okay, so what has this to do with gender and power?

I’ve also had a few experiences over the last week where, after taking the other person’s perspective, I wondered how their actions would be perceived if that person identified their gender differently or their power differently (with the understanding that different genders have inherently different levels of social power, but differentiating between the power of gender and the power of power exchange dynamics).

Situation #1:  Female, submissive identifying person propositions oral and PIV sex on a first meeting (not a date) with a male, dominant identifying person who is known to be in a relationship.
The perception of this situation was that it wasn’t a big deal, the female submissive was overeager, and no disrespect was meant to the existing relationship.  What would the perception have been if the gender and power roles had been reversed?  How would this interaction have been perceived if a male dominant had propositioned multiple sex acts on a first meeting with a female submissive whom he knew to be in a relationship?

Situation #2:  Male identifying, dominant identifying person asks a female, submissive identifying person to play.  She gives reasons why the answer is no.  He continues to ask and dismiss her reasons.  
This was perceived as badgering, disrespecting consent and lack thereof, and predatory.  What would the perception have been if the gender and power roles had been reversed?  How would this interaction have been perceived if it had been the female submissive pressuring the male dominant for play?

I could add more situations, but I think you get the idea.  While I have found taking other people’s perspectives to be incredibly helpful, by examining these situations, I’ve also discovered that I should (especially in charged situations) filter my responses, both physical and verbal, through other perspectives before I act. Just like with the mountain in my backyard, sometimes I need to move further away from the interaction to see what’s really there.  Maybe I need to realize that there is a haze obscuring my view.  And maybe, I just need to turn around and look the opposite direction.